I think I’ll miss you most, donuts
Friday June 6 2008
By Eric Sparling, Staff Writer
The time has come. I was brought on to The Banner to fulfill a maternity leave contract, and that ends June 6. So I guess this is au revoir, adios, auf wiedersehen, sayonara and good-bye. I could use this final platform to talk about what a great opportunity it’s been and this wonderful community. I could sing the praises of my coworkers and the countless citizens with whom I’ve interacted. I could reflect upon the stories I’ve written and the small role I’ve played in this newspaper’s long history. But honestly, I’m too upset. I’m barely keeping it together actually. Because as of June 6, my relationship with Zehrs’ donuts will have to end.
Don’t get me wrong: Dufferin is replete with opportunities to consume tasty treats. I’ll never forget Mochaberry’s chocolate brownies, nor the magic of Pete’s Donuts’ cheese tea biscuits (what mad genius came up with the idea of baking them in a muffin tray?). But it’s Zehrs’ donuts that I’ll miss the most. Chocolate dip, apple fritter, sugar twist — how I’ve treasured these times we’ve shared.
There’s still a place in my heart for Tim’s mixed dozen. But where Horton’s walnut crunch or old-fashioned glaze can make a hearty, reliable meal, Zehrs is the dessert of deep-fried doughs. My hat is off to TH’s vegetarian ingredient list — in keeping with my own beliefs — but Zehrs’ confections are so fabulous I haven’t had the courage to ask if they’re glazed with pureed, sweetened veal. That’s right, I’ve chosen delicious ignorance for fear that I’d have to stop my pilgrimage to Zehrs out of dietary principle.
I suppose I should attempt to put the wonder of these delicious morsels into words. All of them are doughy sumo wrestlers, bloated Jupiters around which cakes and pies are mere moons. The dip’s chocolate blanket conjures memories of childhood, while the gnarled nuggets of the fritter mirror the blossom-bedecked beauty of the apple orchard. And the sugar twist…ah, the sugar twist…so simple, so perfect.
I know, I know, Zehrs is a grocery chain. Heck, there’s a Zehrs in Guelph, where I live. But it’s not the same. For starters, Orangeville Zehrs’ donuts are better than Guelph Zehrs. Also, once I leave The Banner, I’ll no longer need a mid-morning sugar trip to fuel a day of work (or as cover for procrastination).
And speaking of doughy sumo wrestlers: I’m getting fat. I’m not Hindenburg big, but I’m definitely suffering from waistline creep. My Toyota Echo spare tire is transforming into a Ford Expedition. Zehrs can’t take all the blame, but it might win the prize for most-difficult-to-break addiction. The truth is, June 6 has arrived just in time. Another month at this newspaper and I might be staring type-II diabetes right in its greasy maw.
I’ll just have to starve the voice in my head saying, “It would be worth it,” and resist the urge to take road trips — a challenge made easier by my summer plans. I’m heading out to Nova Scotia, my wife’s home province, far from the siren song of my sugary nemesis. I won’t be completely out of harm’s way, though. My father-in-law is a partner in a Dairy Queen franchise. Sweet, nourishing Peanut Buster Parfait…
Eric Sparling’s first book, Tantramar, will be published this fall by Breakwater.
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