It's stupid, sure, but it's also appealing. Honestly, sometimes I get sick of offering rational arguments -- the subtleties of nuanced positions and the painstaking efforts to win people over when you're already sure you're right. It's tedious. The appeal of saying, "This sucks because I say it sucks," is undeniable.

So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to indulge myself. I'm going to follow Peter Griffin's sterling example and tell an entire community -- thousands of people -- what grinds my gears. I'll offer inflammatory rhetoric and bombastic absolutes. I won't, however, dignify this one-sided conversation with painstaking arguments, well-reasoned conclusions or a diplomatic effort at persuasion. If you don't like what I've got to say, tough -- that's what letters to the editor are for.

Big Government: Every year the list of laws grows longer. When did we decide politicians and bureaucrats know our business better than we do? Here's an idea: Every time a new law gets passed, an old law should have to be rescinded. A better idea: Let's have a maximum of 100 laws at any one time, published in a 30-page booklet we can all carry in our pockets and pull out any time we need to defend ourselves against government intrusion.

Celebrity Spokespeople: Bono and Al Gore can kiss my grits. The former is worth hundreds of millions yet thinks he's credible preaching about poverty, while the latter lives a stratospheric lifestyle but thinks he's a leader in the fight against carbon footprints. The hypocrisy is vomit-inducing.

Token Gestures: The world won't be saved by turning off the lights for one hour a year or singing Give Peace A Chance.

Anti-Americanism: Yeah, yeah, Bush is the dumbest person on the planet and America is evil. I've heard it all before. Look, the U.S. has a checkered record (what significant country doesn't?). But despite the occasional excesses of its government -- we already know how I feel about overbearing authorities -- it remains a beacon of freedom. Oh, and I'm glad Saddam Hussein is dead.

BK Stackers and Timbots: No one needs four patties in a hamburger. No one. And if the drive-thru already has five cars lined up, walk inside, get your double-double elsewhere or, crazy idea, brew your coffee at home in the first place.

The Clintons: Rwanda and Sarajevo snipers, for a start.

1) Thieves, 2) Litter Bugs, 3) Tail-Gaters and 4) Those Clowns Who Park Their Rides Across Multiple Parking Spaces: 1) Your crime shouts "I'm a loser -- my self-respect is worth less than the price of the DVD I'm stealing!" 2) Dirty, lazy, thoughtless slobs. 3) Pass or back off. 4) And we get it: your truck is big.

The Intolerant: It's none of your business if potheads want to get high, same-sex couples want to marry, or newspapers want to publish blasphemous cartoons. Look for ways to improve your own conduct instead of fussing over the moral failings of others.